We are in the second last week of school! La-di-fucking-da!!! This school year has been bananas crazy and fast. Summer for us is definitely a time of rest and no morning insanity. Although most normal parents (like me) still have to work- whether from home or an office or a golf cart (ahem), this is the time to let your hair down and breathe. No homework pressures. No frustration with the excessive testing that all 3rd graders in Florida public schools endured this year…Time to stay out late and not be worried about how your hung over ass is going to muster up making breakfast and lunch and escorting your child to school as you profusely sweat out last night’s
7 double glass of Tito’s vodka. (Ironically as I write this I am nursing quite the epic post-Versace Mansion bacchanal hangover in a quiet Panther Coffee corner nursing an iced Hibiscus tea, an iced Americano and twenty glasses of ice water. Joy.)
For those of you who are not yet shipping the kids off to sleep away camp this year,
and forced to spend time with your kids here is a list of my favorite local and mentally manageable things that I do with my kids year round- that will work for the summer. Note that they don’t involve having to be forced to stand around and make small talk with annoying helicopter moms which is why I approve! Feel free to send me your special picks to add to this list.
Wrangle up the skateboards, scooters and blankets and head to this amazing park. It’s FREE and it’s fucking gorgeous any time of day. Bust out the blankets and meet up with fellow FWK (friends with kids) to drink wine while your kids run wild on the open fields, rolling down the hills and racing down its swooping pathways. Or – grab your fishing rods and hit the recently completed South Pointe Pier. Hours of fishing fun while mommy can enjoy breathing in the salty air, Instaslamming the most gorgeous pics in the world, working on her tan and wind tousled curls.
It’s in our backyard. They have a real life Liger. (A fucking Liger!) And turtles that hump each other regularly, so your kids will ask you what they are doing and you can make up fantastical stories that will frighten them- but amuse you. Nuff said.
3. Whole Foods
I am big on
brainwashing teaching my kids about big bad agribusiness and the horror stories of fast food. They know damn well why mommy doesn’t go to Publix and how proud mommy feels when the older one says “McDonald’s kills”. I know that Whole Foods isn’t perfect either- but fuck, it’s the best option that I have here in Miami Beach. Until they open up a Food and Thought down here, y’all can save the spiel. Back to my point: going grocery shopping with kids not only gives you an opportunity for them to be immersed in real foods and learning how to differentiate the kale from the Swiss chard and basically everything else (mommy, what’s that? seabeans. mommy, what’s that? yucca. mommy what’s a Diva Cup?). Most importantly it allows you to save time because you have extra hands to bag or pull shit off the shelves for you. And fuck- you can even reward them with a “chocolate” (carob) bar at the checkout counter and feel comfortable that they won’t be consuming a piece of high fructose corn syrup, white-sugar laden decroted piece of crap. Win win!
4. The Beach
How people can live in Miami and NOT frequent the beach just makes no sense to me. Obviously because I moved here from the cold Great White North, I am by default a beach lover. (And it helps that we live four blocks away). I have the sun damage to prove it and an amazing facial Goddess (Skin by Tatum) to tell me every 6 weeks to use more fucking sunscreen- but that doesn’t stop me. In the summer, we go at sunset between 6 and 8 pm when the water is a perfect jade green and as calm as a snoring husband. Or we spend weekend days with other FWK eating kale chips and drinking beer and digging sand tunnels and tossing the kids into knee high waves perfect for grooming our little groms. Actually, the husbands do that. The mommies work on our tans like we’re 15 all over again. Minus the Sun-In and olive oil of course. Duh.
5. Real Restaurants
I commend my friend who takes her 3 rambunctious kids to NOBU, Mr. Chow and Blue Ribbon Sushi, regularly. I hate that parents think that they have to take their kids to shitty disgusting restaurants so that ‘little Johnny can have his favorite,
blood and guts chicken nuggets”, or so that they get more “bang for the buck”. Take your kids to REAL fucking restaurants please. I encourage my kids to always try to pick something they have never had before obviously whittling it down to things that I at least know they may remotely be interested in. Forcing them to have the live octopus is not the most practical thing to offer- but if they want to try it- please let them.