Mommy (and Daddy) are Busy

Call the sitter. Make sure to plan little escapes regularly, with your baby daddy to reminisce and re-enact the life you guys had before he knocked you up. Pretend you’re dating again. Make out. Here are a few fave local and not local escapes to set the scene for some romantic role play. Don’t get pregnant.

1. The Standard Spa, Miami Beach

Feed the kids, throw an easy Velvet dress over your fave Melissa Odabash bikini, meet the sitter and call Uber. Be out the door by 6pm and head to this magical place. Yes, 6pm. Nothing is more amay than drinking happy hour drinks in a warm salt water pool with King Tubby playing underwater- as you and your man (or woman) watch the sunset together sipping on a Miami Vice (or 5 of them). Palm trees swaying under blue pink amber ombre skies. Are you imagining it? You will be home by 9pm.  A little buzzed and hopefully those kids will already be sleeping. Life is amazing.

2. Sing Sing Karaoke, Miami Beach

Wrangle up 8 great friends and bring a purse that’s big enough to sneak in a handle of Tito’s vodka. Then get ready to sing sing your lungs out. Pick the cheesiest songs that remind you of summer camp circa ’86 and don’t be afraid to change the lyrics and make a total fool of yourself. It’s karaoke- it’s supposed to be funny and all out shameless. Here are some personal recommendations.

Sing with a Bestie: Supersonic by JJ Fad.

Sing with the Girls: What a Man by Salt-n-Peppa.

Sing with the Husband: Islands in the Stream by Dolly and Kenny.

Sing to your Husband: All My Life by K-Ci and Jojo.

Sing after your 6th Tito’s: Natural Woman, but the Carole King version or actually, ANYTHING Carole King.

Sing with you GayFF: We’ve Only Just Begun by the Carpenters.

(Bringing a box of Go-Go empanadas to throw across the room is optional.)

3. Kayak and Crab, Everglades City (October to May)

Play hooky with the husband/boyfriend and drive about two hours west along Tamiami Trail to Everglades City. We take our kayak and paddle around the 10,000 islands- hopping out at random islands along the way, collecting small shells and walking barefoot in low tide squishy sand- then paddling to the next and repeating. On the way out- stop at Triad Seafood Cafe for all-you-can-eat stone crab. Yes, you read that right. Many of the stone crab that is caught comes through Triad- making it the ‘freshest’ claws around and a total day trip win.

4. The Beach at the Pier, South Beach

Until you actually spend a day at the beach without demanding kids sticking to you like barnacles asking you to ‘look at me’ every moment, or to create Frank Lloyd Wright’s Falling Water with sand- you remember how fucking. amazing. it. is. To lay, uninterrupted in the sun to work on your tan and talent of ‘doing absolutely shit all’ is a gift. To run into the ocean free of ankle biters. To even go topless without having to field a million questions from your kids (‘why are you doing that’ ‘aren’t your boobs going to get burned’ ‘don’t you think everyone’s gonna look at you’…ugh- shut up!) is also pretty sweet. Because tanlines on your shoulders is so not cool. K?